Scarlet Garden

Proposed?

2010-04-15T04:24:00.000-07:00

Several days ago, my father offered a girl to me whether i could accept her as a close friend or so
I denied it. Hell i'm not even thinking that far yet. Let me just make up myself for it. I can choose things by myself and that is include my life and further life plans.
Let me just do the things by my own and learn through life.

I don't mean to be rude, but for now, i'm ok by my own. I never had any girlfriend for 21 years already, well one say that it's a record. But still, i'm just fine. I can entertain myself and keep going. So, please, don't treat me as if i'm not knowing how to choose my match.
I have my own standards

Kinda stressed with the result

2010-02-09T05:16:00.000-08:00

I wish it could be better......
*sigh* I've depressed enough knowing that i failed in Clinical Lesson, and when i saw the result, one more subject still failed, it's Pharmacy

Damnit, why? I guess i haven't tried my best. I don't want another thing lies a siege on my head next time i face subject in the Remedial Season. Please.... no.....
I need to be concentrated. I don't want more stressing situation. This Academic stuff already put my psychologic condition into a good corner, so please, no more situation or occurance that made me more stressed.
I just want to concentrate...... please..... I've had enough......

I'm very stressed tonight that i even thought that i should just commit suicide by falling from the rooftop of my campus's building. Ya Allah, please, don't let me deny my fate and make me ran away from my destiny.
If this were to be my fate, i'll accept it, but please, i beg you, don't push me too much. I have limit since i'm just a humble creature of you......

It's not that i don't want to try....

2009-12-08T15:15:00.000-08:00

One best online friend of me taught me how to draw characters. He supported me to his best as to keep me trying and make some progress even a bit on drawing. But i just can't get myself to it
So, i ended up quitting, erased my drawing, and put the pencil back into its case

It's not that i don't want to try to draw characters but it has more to it.
I've thrown my pencil since years ago due to keep being insulted during Art Class when i was still in school. Even the teacher seemed like don't even want to see and interprete my drawing on some assignments of the Art Class.
So, i thought that it's useless for me to continue holding a pencil and pen except for writing. Since then, i throwed my pencil away.

But now, lately i tried myself to draw weapons and objects whether the lecturer is late to come into the class. So, i use that short break time to draw or to write or to play games or to just listen to the music.
I try myself to get a grip on pen and pencil to draw stuffs again

Please, don't treat it as if i don't trust you, neglecting you, or think that you're not worthy enough as my teacher, NO. It's just i still and can't just bring myself to it. If only i have more time and experience on drawing, maybe i could do a bit or two, even it's just a rubbish scrap since i'm not talented at all.

Why do i keep lying to myself....

2009-10-27T10:59:00.001-07:00

It's just i don't understand at all. Yes, i'm lonely, i'm just a lonewolf. I NEVER had any girlfriend for 21 years already. Such record of time that i keep my heart as hard as a brick that long.
I just wish i could have someone to rely and trust on. I don't demand a must of a girl, male is ok, i just need more friends. Maybe this is additional but i wish he/she was an Otaku also who love Japan stuffs and products.

I dunno how to relieve my loneliness and stress. Maybe a simple roar is not enough. So, i guess i should just be honest to my ownself. I just need friends

I feel like wanna cry when i remember that i ruined my friendship with one of my best friend in internet after about some months we spent together. That was due to thing called Love. What a pain

Please.... i don't want to see, feel, or hear anymore words or news about Broken Heart stuff. My heart has already broken once for forcing myself to ruin someone's love in order to protect friendship with harsh way since i had no other choice.
Let's just be friends and get along. That should be enough

Love breaks friendship??

2009-10-12T21:59:00.000-07:00

It's not fair!!! NOT at all!!
I just remembered something which happened 2 years ago to one of my best friend.
Well, yea, he got confessed by a girl in the campus, and he accepted it. Till now, he is still with that girl
But there was bad times happened back then.
And what is that? Me and 2 other of my best friends, ever thought that he wanted to trade our friendship with love just because he already got one.
He didn't attend our usual meeting after lecture, he often didn't attend lunch time together, he often gone by himself leaving us 3 behind, he sticks with his girlfriend during study, lecture, etc.
We were somewhat irritated with him for some weeks. Why? Because he himself didn't even made a contact with us 3 as about why and the details he went first, not stick together.
One more worse thing, there was one guy within us 3 who were having his b-day. All of his best friends were invited include that guy. But what? He rejected the invitation, so yea, this best friend of mine, held the party with that guy missing. After it was over, we all met again in the campus. But here is one thing, he didn't wanna attend his b-day's party, but WHY HE WOULD ATTEND HIS GF'S SISTER'S PARTY AND EVEN STAYED AT HER HOME FOR ONE NIGHT?
That's just RIDICULOUS!! Yes, as the repayment, we neglected him for 2 weeks or so. After about 2 weeks past, he was called to my boarding place to held a meeting. Luckily, he attended that, and we 3 forced him to pull anything that he wanted to say. That's the bad times.
I was kinda depressed when i remember that

It's just not fair, that all friendship got broken just because of a simple thing called love. I just wish we could adjust more thus could keep friendship along with maintaining the lovely times.

I myself ever felt that, and yes, it's hard to do both. But what gives. For my experience, i had to break myself up with a girl who loved me, it's just for one, FRIENDSHIP!!! I felt that the lovely times were somewhat being dark juice to me, so i decided to just throw it up, and back to friendship with my friends.

Fanart stuff? I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!!!!

2009-10-02T11:28:00.000-07:00

Right. Just because of Fanart's legality and stuff, my friendship with some friends got broken, and it happened like twice
WHY? WHY? WHY? JUST BECAUSE OF A SIMPLE THING CALLED FANART COULD BROKE A FRIENDSHIP? RIDICULOUS!!!
I have to say that, since it's just not making sense. I'd say logically since one or artist is pulling their own want and deed, and so made them do the claiming and stuff upon their creation
YES!! YES!! I KNOW!! It's important, but DO YOU THINK YOU REALLY NEED TO SAY THAT OUTLOUD AND PULL IT TO THE MAX? Do you really think your friends would REALLY STEAL your picts?
NO!! NO!! I won't steal and i would never steal!! I'm not that low as of an Art Stealer. I just want to share <_<, since that pict is good
Look, i've praised your pict, and now i want to help you by letting the world know of the existance of your picts, but why you answer that with claim of criminality? PREPOSTEROUS!!
Look at the other side first before you stick your nose and finger to propose a claim of criminality

Back to study stuff

2009-09-27T23:35:00.001-07:00

Yes, i was away for whole week due to family reunion for Ied Mubrak
Happy Ied Mubrak/Idul Fitri to all. Hope we all achieve the great winning and back to Allah's fitrah also got his blessing on every of our pace

Now i'm back in Jakarta and back to my academy stuff again.
Well it wasn't that of a vacation for me back then, since i helped my father in almost every of the day of the holiday
But alhamdulillah that my old friends of Senior High are there and held some programs, so i wasn't much of lonely ^^
Especially, thanks to my dear best friend, Angger, who had accompany me for one whole day in Friday. You're my best friend for 9 years since Elementary School. Hope you won't and will never forget our friendship though you already have your couple one time in the future. Thank you so much, Angger ^^

When i came back and set my laptop to online, i got lots of messages from my dear online friend, it's Nemomon. Hahahaha, he said that he was doing a certain kind of Ressurrection Ritual for me to come back soon. Sorry, Nemo, i left no message before i left for hometown ^^l. But this Spammer of yours is now here again

Tired = Clearer Thinking?

2009-09-09T04:31:00.000-07:00

People says that the more tired and stressed you are, the more you can't think
But, Subhanallah that that saying didn't apply for me today

I was quite busy. Some lectures got cancelled and that made me had to go back to my boarding place several times, And i have to do some stuffs for materials for the discussion. At noon, i was asked several times to coordinate the noon lecture for Intoxication subject since i'm the student coordinator for that subject. There was a miscommunication. And the lecture was cancelled, yet i still waited until 3:30 PM. Surely it resulted to a big ZERO

Despite of that business and tireness of me, i somewhat could regain some morale back and it indirectly cheers me up. It was like i could go again with confidence, and as if nothing had happened, though it was several days ago i was down for some days

Alhamdulillah Ya Allah. You make me able to stand again. Even with shivering legs, i will try my best to keep on going
Not forget, thanks to my friends who've cheered me up directly and indirectly. Thank you so much for the attention, time, and effort. Me luv you all ^^

Standing up alone upon despair

2009-09-05T14:54:00.000-07:00

I've failed..... No, not about my academics....
I failed on my effort on trying to understand artist's feeling which ended up in despair
Yes, i'm just a spammer, who knows simply to spam and share. I can't draw at all, i can't even draw a single line correctly or to connect it here and there to make a pict
I'm such a fool with boots of arrogancy and mask of ignorant

I wish i could understand it and i so want to understand it. But why when i uttered arguments, which is a proof of my concern, one will take it as objection and denial of me? PLEASE NO!!! I HAVE ARGUMENTS SINCE I PUT MY CONCERN ON THAT MATTER!!
I just..... want to know further and make sure whether my arguments are wrong or right. That's all

But why.... why that no one would give me understanding to that matter....
I tried to be in contact with some artists in DA and i tried my best to understand their feelings, but i just CANNOT.

I want to understand it, but i have no strength within myself to understand it, so i need people to make me understand the matter clearer

My dear friends.... please.... give me some light to make me know it brighter and clearer, and don't take my arguments as denial....
..........

Uncertainty, and loneliness

2009-08-22T08:08:00.000-07:00

Fiuh, the remedial season is about to end, and that also means that it's about time i see my own destiny and reality after what i had done in remedial season's exams
Ya Allah, hope i could pass all the subject that i took in this remedial season. I wanna enter the 7th Semester badly and finish my study as quickly as it could be, and work as a doctor. If you even bless me, i would take the Specialist college.
I just want to help people. I want to see them smile with the brightest light of smile and the cleanest heart. That's why i tried my best to be a doctor who could understand what patient feel and give the correct therapy
I put myself into loneliness and stress in order to be focused to my academics. But that's not a problem, since it's so important for me

And at home, i wish i could just have a blast. I know that practicing with my father is important. But i still wish that i could have a blast for some days.
My things are different with his things. I'm already stressed with my study
I may look free, but i would push myself to the limit when it comes to exam and stuff.

Stress and Lonely

2009-07-09T03:55:00.000-07:00

I'm still in my exam season. And, yea, as you figured it, i'm really in a stress especially when i know that i was not capable of answering the questions in the exams
Not only that, i also feel kinda lonely. When i turn off the lamp in my room, sit on my chair, wear my headphone, play the music and start browsing to the net, it feels like i'm the only person within a vast field

I'm actually already used to these situation, since i've lived alone in this city by myself for 3 years already.
I have no siblings in this city, and i rarely could go to my hometown due to my academics. I might look like a free guy, but actually i always keep a good schedule for me and my things.
For the current, i already had a good piled up schedule for next 2 months

Ya Allah, may you bless me everytime so that i can stand against these hard times......

Settled by waving the white flag

2009-06-26T21:15:00.000-07:00

I'm done with the matters that i had with some friends in Team Rockman after i tried my best to dig it and talked over it
As the result, i finally waved the white flag with my own concern, and also talked it over, and lastly signed the peace delegation of returning to the domain
It sure was some days with some occassions back then

No, i'm not sad or have any regret within myself. I've already satisfied for being able to say what i want.
They told me to just moving forward. Yes, i tried myself to move forward. But i won;t forget what happened in the past.
They won't happen exactly same for the second time.
Past times, either its bad or good times, would be always within my heart.

Speech that could destroy a whole forum

2009-06-15T15:35:00.001-07:00

My speech back then in TRUE Forum that made the Head Admin closes the forum within 3 days

Yea, i'm back
But lemme say some words
Firstly, i'm back but i'm no longer spammer here. This place had prohibited one of my spam. And that is one point
Secondly, i know that the fanart rule is important. Yes, i know. But that rule has disrupt us twice. First was RN's case in DATS, and the second was mine. If we remember again closely, RN, you were called as "Rocknote the Spammer"in DATS. Well isn't that same with me? I'm a Spammer also. To be honest, in the case of mine, you were just like Greg.Quite similiar. Analogically, in my case, you're Greg, and i'm Rocknote. You were debating with Greg and their Admins, while in my case, i was debating with you and Naj. That point of Rules has disrupt us twice already, but why we still bring it along with us?
I know that some of us are great artist, but take a look closer to my Thievery accusation case. I was only appreciating picts by sharing, and whether you guys want comments, you artists might just look by yourself to the comment in the place where i've posted your arts ontoI'll surely give the link to all my pict spamsIs that deed of mine treated so bad so that i was accused as a Thief? Especially, Naj, remember one evening where i sent you a message via cellphone to clarify your accusation? You said a good "Yes" back then.I NEVER AND WILL NEVER steal any credit upon it. I can't draw at all, but i'm not as low as claiming someone's to be mineYes, i ever put Naj's arts in a H forum and requested people there to edit them into H. But, see the facts? What? Those H artists have their own stuff and dignity to not to edit someone's art.Those picts are still save until now, no one edited it. Even someone praised the SxM pict that Naj made for WindiaAs about permission, yea, i;m rude to not to ask permission. But do you think i would do wicked deed to your stuff when i picked them such as editing them put something onto them or so? NO!!I can;t even edit picts but only to adjust Contrast and Brightness. I was so mad since i was actually just wanna show my APPRECIATION with my own way, but what i got was a painful accusation of criminality.I can't do art trade, and all i can comment is just "OMG, great", "Oh, so good." or so. Surely, in myself, i wanna show my appreciation that i actually so care to those arts that i sharedTHAT is the point of my whole case. I'm not hiding anything here, let us just know what was actually happenedAnd i DON'T MEAN to just delete that fanart Rule from our board, who am i to say so? I just wanna say that we should think it over on how that rule had affected our existance in DATS back then
Thirdly, as for Naj, yes, i might had done a very wicked deed. But all those things were because i care for you as my friend. IF i'm a really wicked guy that wanna crush you since first place, i could have just plunder or hack your DA and claim all of your stuffs as mineBut, see? Did i done that? No, i'm fine. We talked casually in Cb first, then since i thought it was not solved well, we went for discussion in YM Confe.You can call me as anything that you like, but accusation of criminality, is just too much for me to bear. That;s why i was so vigilant back then since i didn't expect that you would said something that far to a guy that you ever surely know of for about 8 months
I had a good time reminscing memories for 3 months. And all of this case of mine was sourced of "mistake" between appreciation deeds with the interpretation to that deed that goes into wrong thought to each otherIn this case, no one to blame, no one to be pointed, and no one to be thrusted with our pointing finger, but let us just review again what we ever had in the past, how could it happened,how was the condition, how was the result, and how was the after-effect of every of themWe've known each other for about one year, and that is quite enough time for us to know each other more than just a simple internet friend. We're a groupSince we know each other well, let's try to know each other's deed in deeper meaning rather than just "that-as-seen"We're now here in this place since there was a time in the past that made us meet, talk, and became friends to each other.I'm not saying that we should be stick on the past, no. But don't forget them. The lessons and experiences in the past can be useful to make a better future

Regards
Tiruvee Trivial

So much for some days

2009-06-15T15:11:00.000-07:00

Yea, as the title says, some occassions were occured some days ago
It was when i decided to go back to the Forum Team where i used to stick on. I made my arrival thread and the content was my whole opinion about my previous unsolved case with some artist Members there that i've think over for about 3 months.
The others were treating casually since, yea, i know that most of them dunno about every tiny pity detail of the case, and they know how to react to that
Too bad that my best friend objected my opinion and flamed me thus created tense situation.
I myself honestly didn't wanna start any flame of debate, i just wanna say some words and that is all.
The tense situation continues, and it seems like the other Memb who dunno about every detail of the case were somewhat trying to calm down the situation by saying that i came back with peace and apologizement
Too bad again that a certain artist Member somewhat felt that she had lost support from his friend since no one was replying about to cheer her up about how she had been hurt in a certain time in Cb

After some mins, that artist Member decided to left the place, saying that no one understand how she had felt in that certain time in Cb ad created jealousy among Membs there. Not until 5 mins from her thread was made, my best friend who flamed me also left, BUT, he said that he wanted to close the whole forum due to him and that artist Member's leaving

As expected, the forum got closed within 3 days. So then, literally, it was proved that a single thread could close a whole forum, hahahahahahahahaha :P
Me and one best friend of mine decided to inform all Membs there to move to another domain, luckily, we still keep a certain old domain that we ever used before in old times
Some Membs were mad due to no good reason for the closing of that most new domain

After several days, that new domain was reopened. I came back there, and reported the situation that some Membs were mad due to the closing of that domain
And surely that is not my responsibility whether they came back here with madness or left at all. If the domain were not to close, they won't be so mad. They should have just killed me instead of closing the whole forum
After i said that, i got banned permanently from there.

Well, that's that for the story
I'm officially has been disbanded from Team Rockman community IF that domain is the most offical and literal place for Team Rockman people

A lonely b-day

2009-06-05T02:32:00.000-07:00

Yea, i had my b-day back then in 3rd June. But poor me, blackout happened during the day for good 12 hours. So i got nothing to do in the whole afternoon. My room was also blazing hot since the AC went out due to no electricity

I hope this is not a punishment from Allah SWT to me, i don't wanna be "Su'uzhan" to anyone, so i just think that this was an unfortunate moment for me
I was alone during the day, no one accompanied me. My friends at the house were doing their things. We finally could had dinner together on night. I'm already pleased and happy with that. I thought i would be really alone for a whole day of my b-day.
And thanks to Nemo, i really appreciate your offered presents to me, but i'm just a passive Member in your forum, so you could do anything that you want to my account.
Thanks also to my other friends, real and online who greet me in my b-day, i'm really pleased.

As for my friends back then in Team Rockman, i thank you so much whether you guys greeted me in the forum. But, i feel like i don't deserve it. After what i had done, include my case with Naj that went all ruckus since i so want it to be solved into crystal clear.
I thank you whether you people still accept me as a friend, but in my side, i don't think i belong to you guys anymore after wicked deeds that i had done, thus makes me feel that i shouldn't put my face there any longer.
I thank you to you guys, but i guess that you guys should just leave me alone, and became a loner wanderer of the net again like i used to be some years ago

I'm now on my 20 already, time sure flies quickly.

Stop being Naive!!

2009-06-01T13:45:00.000-07:00

I really don't like it when i remember the times in the past that me and some of my friends were being too naive on interpreting matters.
Matters need to be solved, more, we should pay more attention about it when it involves our friends.
Think positively is one good way, but don't let that way of thinking makes us UNDERESTIMATING the matters thus forgot to take care the etiological/cause thing of the matter
Fact is Fact, and Reality is Reality
You might think that they show a good smile with good angle of lips on their head, but you should be aware also on how he/she might think the other way
Truth might be bitter, but ran away from it, and forgetting the bad stuffs to zero percent, will make it more bitter in the future.
Bad stuffs are there to be recognized and to be prevented, not to be forgotten

Memories....

2009-05-26T15:45:00.001-07:00

I can't and won't forget the times where i had back then with Team Rockman people. Those times are written boldedly into my head, and i can't just erase them
Team Rockman..... thanks for all what you've done to me, i really appreciate that. When i think back that most of my deeds were only doing things which were inappropiate in morality, but you guys still think me as one part of the community, i feel like wanna cry. Totally didn't know that i would had such friendly times
But now, i'm really sorry, but you've hurt my dignity after the accusation through my deed of honesty.
I just wanna be honest, i can't lie to friends who already trust me, that's just a wicked thing for me if i were to do.

Now, i'm back into my lonewolf life in cybernet world. I guess i can't help it, my heart still can't accept and tolerate that.

About spam

2009-05-04T11:12:00.001-07:00

Figures i should explain a little about it since i'm a spammer
Spam is an abbreviation of Stupid, Pointless, Annoying Messages
So, if there are any messages who fulfill that criteria it's called as spam
Let's see each of them
- Stupid --> Stupid here doesn't mean stupid as in low in IQ, but it means that there is no real content of the posted message.
- Pointless --> To put it briefly, it has no real reason why it's posted. Least reason is, "I just wanna put it."
- Annoying --> Due to the two criteria above, surely it could annoy people. for seeing some messages which is so random and pointless, also has no real meaning nor real information within it

That is the basic stuff
Another traits of spam :
- Unlimited --> Spam could be in any kind
- Free --> Spam could content anything to nothing
- Random --> Spam could mean anything to nothing
- Regardless --> Spam know nothing about the surrounding circumstances, breaking Rules is no exception

Talk about the spammer,
There are many kinds of spammer. I'll continue this later, i'm sleepy

Left the Team

2009-04-30T13:54:00.000-07:00

Yea, i've made up my mind to leave the group where i used to stick on
I can't stand it any longer
I was so hurt since the case of the accusation of Thievery back then
And now, my spam, especially fanart spam, is forbidden there.
I find it no longer fun, for not being able to spam freely anymore, just because of accusation case and stuffs.
Maybe, this is merely my thought, in some of them's eyes, i'm no spammer anymore, but a criminal, who had done very very bad deeds, after that spammer confessed all of his deeds for all this time

Appreciation from a spammer, like me, is useless and worthless
I appreciate friendships by being friendly, honest, and sharing stuffs.
But, yea, some people might think that my way of appreciation is a nuisance or is worthless

Guess i'll just let me be with myself, walking with my own foot, and go on with my own will, and do with my own want and desire.

My spammer's side's motto : Share, talk, put

Settled from the accusation

2009-04-20T09:53:00.000-07:00

I totally didn't expect that you would accuse me as a crimina, Naj
I was only showing what i've done all this time. I just wanna be honest, since you're my friend, keeping secret from friends is just not my forte.
This is me, I just wanna show you who am i really and what i've done all these times.
But i totally didn't expect that after i show you what i had done, especially at the negative part, you accused me as a criminal

That is way too much also for me
You can say me as Bastard, Dumbass, Useless Spammer, etc.
But accusation of criminality........ that is just way also too much for me to bear
More, you put a thread about it in TRU after the discussion about it, so then you obviously accused me

We've settled it yesterday, though by you giving up yourself
But if in your eyes, still remains, the impression of me being a thief, go ahead.
You can call me as any criminal that you wanna call. But get this, i trust you, and i was only being honest.
And being honest, is my way to appreciate and show my friendship to you

Jealousy stuff part 2

2009-04-14T21:26:00.000-07:00

- Why have to be jealous?
First, take a look at the environment and the factors that are involved. Jealousy is basically sourced from a thing called difference and comparisons. To be more precise, difference on credit or obtained stuff.
Some important factors of differences such as skills, is obviously crucial in igniting jealousy.
For those who don't have wits, and can't be better than one person no matter how hard he tries, will lead to jealousy.
It is normal to be jealous, since we're human who can think, and know about standards that could determine which stuff is good, is better, or is the best one.

- Couldn't it be just admiring rather than being jealous?
Depends on 2 things
1, The persons that are involved
If the 2 persons doesn;t know each other well, rarely to meet, not that known to each other, not that close as a friend to each other, it is less likely to be jealous. Since both of them would think each other as mere strangers, who dont need to be put more attention onto
2. Environment
This also involves on where, and what. Where? If the 2 persons played on the same ground, it's more likely to jealous since they often meet. What? If the 2 persons play the same role, it's more likely to jealous since there is one thing that we called Competency, that we can hardly avoid of, in spite of word Friendship and or Cooperation. Even only a nibble, sense of Competency should be exist within the 2 people who has the same role

- Jealousy leads to nowhere and despair
O rly? It's too early to say that. Jealousy could means positive and negative
Positive
1. We know our limitation
2. We know we have to work harder
3. If that person knows that someone is in jealous to him, he might need to introspect his deeds, or talk more to the guy who is jealous of him to find more details of the jealousness
4. We know that someone is better than us, so don't just quickly satisfied with what you have
5. Indirectly or directly boost our intuition to make more inovations

Negative
1. Ignites quarrel
2. Breaking of friendship
3. Madness
4. Quitting/Stopping/Giving up
5. Become passive when the jealous-ed person is around

Jealousy stuff

2009-04-14T17:55:00.000-07:00

Hahahaha.
Last night was quite an occassion when Kayla told us that she was jealous onto some artists that she know of in DeviantArt.
Ma, surely, her friends tried their best to keep her optimist and shouldn't leave DA due to just that.
I guess i was being too critical last night. But yea, we NEED to be honest to our ownselves. Lying to our ownself would only lead to stress and despair.
If we're in jealous, i guess it's better to let the person that we jealoused of, know about our jealousy
So then both we and that person could introspect ourselves, and think the way on how to overcome the jealousy matter, so that they'll become friends again.

I was so honest last night, i feel quite refreshed, since i've lied to myself for about 8 months, and now i've uttered all the words that i wanna utter for 8 months long. What pleasant feeling that i got.

To sum up, i was so interested with these words that i found last night
- Why have to be jealous?
- Couldn't it be just admiring rather than jealous?
- Jealousy leads to nowhere and despair

The answer will be on my next post

Back to single

2009-03-29T12:02:00.000-07:00

Ha, finally done
Now, i'm single again, waaa~~~y.
I'm sorry, Naj, you have to understand the situation. We're too much different in this cyber environment. You're an artist of skillful art, you have talents, and could made things that could make people happy. While me, as your boyfriend, is just a mere spammer, who love to make trouble by spamming like crazy, which nobody would happy with it
Everytime i look on your DA, i feel pain, since you can do this and that, and lots of people like it.
While me, stick with bad people, who love to spam, porn, or another stuff which is logically signed as bad stuff in the internet world
8 months i've endured my pain. Everyday and everynight. I'm a male, i can't drop tears easily, so i went emo instead. And in that 8 months, some of my emo times were indirectly caused by you.
I don't deserve to be with you, and you shouldn't be with me. I'm sure there is another man who is more proper for you. Hope you'll find him soon
That way, you would eventually forget the things about you and me, and i could move on with my own foot, and my own body again, without anymore touch from your hands.

Another times of loneliness

2009-03-13T15:00:00.000-07:00

I'll write this entry in Indonesian now
Lagi2 kesel dan bete, gara2 banyak hal. Tapi klo boleh gue bilang sih, kebosenan dan perbandingan adala hal yg paling sering ngebuat gue marah dan bete.
Napa sih harus dibanding2in? Udah coba, ga usah ngomongin orang lain. Bah, klo tau begini mah, ga seharusnya gue buka halaman itu, biarin aja gue sndiri, maen game kek, apa kek, daripada ngebuka halaman itu dan akhirnya ngebuat diri gue sedih sndiri.
Ntar dilanjutin lagi, buat sekarang segini dulu. Emosi gue meluap nih

Kudaran no koto iu na!!!

2009-03-03T04:04:00.000-08:00

I feel kinda angry today. I just dunno what happened to me lately. I wish i could just scream outloud and let go of my stress.
Really, everytime i look to myself, i'm just nothing, i don't have any skill, i don't have any good points, i'm just a mere troublemaker, i'm just a man who might piss everyone or anyone, i'm just a useless man who can't do anything even for my own.
I just wish my existence is not distrubing the others. I can't forgive myself if i were being a great disturbance, even i'm just a trouble maker.

Hontou ni.... nani mo dekinai..... de, atashi no inochi no imi wa..... aru no ka....

Mata Setsunai no jikan

2009-02-20T07:34:00.000-08:00

I'm such a fool. To think that i'm capable of making something smoothly, or can do something well, but in fact, i'm worse than a failure stuff creator.
It's all no good. I thought it'll go smoothly, but after i recheck the things, all are merely failure stuffs which was made by incompetent person, or a foolish person.
Please forgive my incompetence, i know i'm only a fool who can't do anything, nor can't help on anything in any aspect.
I'm just a troublemaker after all. Nothing i can be useful of. Nothing

Nani... kono iya na kimochi wa.....

2009-01-30T07:28:00.000-08:00

I feel like something is bothering me nowadays
The year of 2009 has entered its 2nd month, and i don't know what happened to me lately. As if i was being hurt, so deeply, and so lonely. I don't know what's wrong with me
I don't want this kind of feeling keep disturbing me everyday and everynight. Feel like i just wanna let go of it by playing something and forgetting daily stuffs.
I know that i'm in chronic stress due to exam. I guess i need some good refreshment. But what, how, and why does this feeling keep haunting me? I really don't know
I don't know what to do..........

Doushite.... konna koto ni.....

2009-01-06T11:51:00.000-08:00

Why? Why does everything is going worse for me?
Since the day i lost my ability to upload, i keep getting bad luck.
And now, even some of my dear friends in real life are in an affair. We supposed to be get along together even some of us have their girlfriends. But how, and how could this thing happen? 2 of them are in affair just because of a girl, and the other one is somewhat avoiding me, and sticks with his girlfriend
I NEVER have any girlfriend in real life, in my 20 years of life. I'm NOT jealous of them who already have one. It's just, WHY DO FRIENDSHIP HAVE TO BE BROKEN JUST BECAUSE OF GIRLS?
That was also said by one of my friend.
If i were supposed to be alone again just like when i enter college, let it be, i'm just a geek anyway

Kurabete shinai de, Kurabete shinai de!!!

2008-12-27T14:18:00.000-08:00

Mattaku, hontou ni kokoro ni wa itami nan desu yo ne.
Watashi to hoka no hito no undo wo kurabete, hontou ni setsunai ni naru kimochi kigashita.
Ma.... shoujiki ne, atashi wa hontou ni artist no undo toka, shashin wo tsukuri no undo toka, zenzen wa nai desu.
Sou, zenzen nai. Atashi wa ii shashin to wa zenzen tsukuri wo dekinai shi. Dakedo, anoo..... kanoujo, toka kana. Atashi no kanoujo wa hontou ni undo ga arimasu. Aitsu wa totemo shasin toka aartsu toka tsukuri wo dekiru.
Chotto urayamashii na.... hoshi no undo wa mottenai shi, hoka no hito wa motteru shi.
Atashi no dekiru koto wa tada no imeejineshion toka, ganbatteru toka, soshite, e..to, spam toka.
Ma ma, zenbu wa warui koto mitai desu yo ne.
Demo, kore wa watashi, watashi wa watashi da, daredemo watashi ni ayatsureru koto wo sasenai.

Still alone in a lonely night

2008-12-22T09:03:00.000-08:00

I dunno what to say now
I feel like i've completely has no power to keep on
I've lost my ability as an uploader in a forum where i'm active at. It's such a pain since that's the only work i can keep up. Since i merely spam there, so i think i should repay them by posting some uploads, but now, since i lost my ability to upload items, i'm just a simple spammer, and a troublemaker with my hentai.
I feel like i don't deserve to be there again, i feel like i should leave that place, and let them be and safe without my spam. SInce my spam is only trouble

Lonely

2008-12-07T03:58:00.000-08:00

I dunno what to say right now. I feel so lonely
It's somehow feel so pain in the heart
Why? Why am i be in this such pain? I've already live a lone life for 3 years since i enter college.
But why does it feel so pain now?

Being a spammer

2008-11-23T14:11:00.000-08:00

Yup, as some of you guys have read in my introduction post that i'm a spammer, either in forum or in chat places/rooms

Since when i became like this? Well, it's a long story

First thing, it was when i was 10 or so, and the 1st time i went into foruming. Since i so love Meitantei Conan that time, i looked for some Meitantei Conan forums, then i found one (I don't need to state its name), and, after about 2 weeks, i didn't realized that i became an active Member in that forum.
Time passes, and it was my birthday. A Member sent me a PM, saying Happy Birthday to me. I was so happy, to get a birthday saying from a people that i newly acquainted with.
But then, here comes the trouble. There was a time, i replied a thread, but then a Mod sent me a PM to not to dig old topics/Not to necro-post
I was such a fool, i didn't know much about foruming, include its Rules, since i was so new to foruming that time.
Since i didn't know what that means, i let that be. That time, my relationship with that Member was also getting close, i was so happy that i could had an internet friend.
After i made some replies in some thread, around 3 days after that, i found myself banned PERMANENTLY.
I was GREATLY MAD. That ban made me not only lost the place where i can talk and share things as a Conan fan, but also made me lost my VERY FIRST internet friend that i wish to be a good friend to share with.
Due to that incident, i gave up on foruming, and ended up being a downloader for about 3 years.

In my age of 13, i started foruming again, and i found a more relaxed forum with fewer Members. I found quite joy in this Conan forum one. And as time passes, i once again became one of the most active Member. This mildness of me keep on until i reach my 19

In my age of 19, i met with some friends in a bigger forum. It was so joyful, i felt like i can talk anything to some people. Some people that i meant are my friends now, Rocknote, Sanct, and Nemomon.
Well, our joyful times didn't last long.
Since the staffs in that forum made an "unfair" verdict to us.
It was indeed that we were spamming, but when i tried to defend(since he is my friend) by pulling out arguments, BUT the staffs said that they would ban me also if i keep blabbing,
I was so mad. I didn't feel that joyful essence anymore in that forum as one of my friend was banned.

Since then, i reached a conclusion :
That Admins and Mods/Staffs in general, are no need to be argued since they know more, THUS, INTERACTION WITH THEM IS NO NEED, except you have questions about forum things. But i have to admit that i DON'T WANNA HAVE A DEBATE WITH THEM , SINCE IT'S FUTILE!!
If they know more about the situation of the forum, so they don't need any suggestion nor arguments from Members.
So just let them be. Say words with them ONLY when you have Qs, not when you have arguments to be presented

Since that conclusion came to my mind. I decided to become a spammer.
I post what i like, and do what i want, and only pay respect to the staffs that i truly pay my respect to.
I even happy when i got banned. Since i now realize that ban is only that, and no more. Only prohibits you to enter or do something in a certain area.

My record of spamming :
Post --> 250 posts within 30 mins
Chat --> Countless posts within 3 mins
I'm still on Beginner rank

A lot to do, but in lazy status

2008-11-21T08:24:00.000-08:00

Well, i dunno why that i'm lazy lately, i skipped like 4 lectures, and i have to submit an assignment, but i don't have the will to do it
Luckily, my friend, Cyc is willing to help me by lending his lecture notes to me. Thank you so much, buddy.
I wish i could write more, but i totally dunno what to say currently
My mind is dazzled due to something that i can't remember, yet i need to concentrate on my study

Wish i regain my normal status again soon

Don't have the will?

2008-11-16T04:09:00.001-08:00

Lately, i don't feel like to continue playing RnR/Shooting Star Rockman/MMSF games.
Well, especially since a new RnR 3 just came out 13th November ago, it was RnR 3 Black Ace/Red Joker
I got the Red Joker ROM from a friend, Zeron. Then, i got the Black Ace ROM from another friend of mine, Nemo.
I've played Red Joker, but i don't feel like to continue it soon.
Why? I don't know myself, i just don't have the will to continue it, it's just that i think all the features are merely the same, and all are just jobs to do. So then, i think, 'Man, i should just play another thing that would surely make me interested though it's an old game.'

To tell you the truth, i'm NOT hating the game. I just don't have the will and courage to continue playing it
I need help to make me interested on that game, thus will make me continue playing it until the end.
If my morale still in this low mode, i'll soon dump the ROM into my optional HDD, and that would make it less likely to be played.
More, i can't get into the talk in some Cb. So i feel kinda left out.

I really need someone who can tell me anything to everything about RnR 3, so i might become interested on that game.

Cancelled?

2008-11-15T05:21:00.000-08:00

Damn damn damn
My friends said that they can't go and perform the plan that we've made for this weekend
As the result, i'm all alone again this weekend. No one accompany me, except my internet friends, and games to play.
I've had this kind of thing a lot of times already, a cancellation of a plan.
It's just that it hurts the most when it's cancelled right upon when it want to be performed/executed

Mid-Term Exam has done

2008-11-14T00:26:00.000-08:00

Finally, the Mid-term exam has ended by 14th November 2008
I was so tired, and somewhat kinda unstable with my emotion during those hard and stressing times
Now that the things had passed, i can finally take a deep breath and lay low for some days
And fortunately, me and my friends have planned to go somewhere together for vacation and relaxation after the exam ^^

Chatbox added

2008-11-13T19:05:00.001-08:00

Okay, as you can see above, a Chatbox from xat has been added
I put it just right after i woke up from my sleep
Feel free to use it

Introduction

2008-11-13T09:28:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Scarlet Garden, a blog own by Tiruvee, a Medical college student, and a spammer

Here are my things in more details :
ID : Tiruvee
Job : Medical college student, Spammer
Country : Indonesia
Gender : Male
Hobbies :
- Spamming
- Chatting
- Singing
- Writing
- Dancing
- etc.

I guess that's all for the simple introduction.